When I was in university, I read the four loves: agape (love of God), eros, charity, and fraternity (how about sorority?).

Well, love cannot really be classified.

When I love someone intensely, there are often traces of the erotic, and sometimes compassion (less patronizing than charity, but can still be) is called for. Some component of friendship is often involved in most relationships. Comradeship and brotherhood are very heartening and invigorating. I also have women friends who regard me as their sister. As well, I am thrilled when I access the divine, which reveals itself every now and then. And all these have to be built on some amount of self-love.

I have always believed that the development of self is an important condition for the capacity to love. May be the psychoanalysts have got this right.

How do I love someone? There are so many ways.

I can love someone by keeping a holding space for decades, so that she can come in and out of my world as she wants. I am always there for her, and I never demand anything from her. Do I desire her? Yes, of course! There’s definitely something divine in this.

I can love someone by teaching and mentoring, and let her become increasingly independent. I learn to give her positive feedback, and to reframe instead of criticizing. I keep my judgment to myself, and give her encouragement and support. She has criticized me in many ways, privately and publicly, but I still enjoy seeing her bloom, and shine.

I can love someone by accompanying her through a lengthy healing process, to cast out the demons from a rotten childhood. A beautiful spirit dwells in her abused and sickened body, and there’s an amazing inquisitive and creative mind. The healing is associated with growth and wondrous metamorphosis. This is transcendence, and walking together, coitus in the literal sense.

I can love someone without ever touching her hand. We wrote to each other for 12 years, and had a few in-person meetings. We desired each other, but there were reasons for us not to get physically intimate. She died young. I am still feeling sad when I think of her, but I can always look back at what happened between us and go: Oh it’s so beautiful!

I can love someone passionately while she is in love with someone else. I savor the stolen moments without wasting time on feeling jealous. I want her to be free. I want her to be happy.

I have been loved by someone who sensed my vulnerability and made herself available for me. It eased my pain and restored my soul. Charity? Compassion? Eros? Friendship? I remain thankful forever.

I have been loved by someone who challenged me to become a better person, to open my eyes to my arrogance and insensitivity. She questions the privileges that I have taken for granted, and keeps me connected to the idea of justice.

I have been loved by someone who violates all the rules to be together with me. The absurdity and the cruelty of the world do haunt her, but there is always Der Mut zum Sein (the courage to be). If this is not divine, what is?

I have been loved by someone who does not stop loving me even after being hurt and wronged. Forgiveness is not even used as a concept. When we’re young we were fascinated by this line “love means never having to say you’re sorry” (Love Story). We have moved beyond that.

I have been loved by someone who got to the top of the world with me. From there, everything in the world looked so small and insignificant. She left me when she could not do that anymore.

For all that I have experienced, for all that I am experiencing, and for all that I am about to experience, I remain truly thankful.

If there’s a God, I will certainly love her.
Website: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/facets-love-a-ka-tat-tsang